So, its 3 AM and as usual I can't sleep. It tends to be that way this time of year for me. Or right before any big holiday, birthday, or life event, now. Consciously, it's never in the forefront of my mind but, we all know it's there. Like that word that's on the tip of your tongue. I miss my parents. It's not that the holidays are bad or anything now. Or that my birthdays have been huge suckfests. Its just that they are different. Very different.
You see, my brother and his family live in Toldeo. Which isn't far from here but far enough that with Jeff wanting to be with his family on holidays and us only having one car, it would be no small task. My mom's brother lives in Atlanta, GA and I can't afford a plane ticket. And my grandparents? Well they CAN afford plane tickets and are going to Georgia this year. I'm happy for them, really. It just sucks for me.
And my Christmas plans are sketchy at best. I don't want to go into it right now. I'm trying to see how it all plays out. But, obviously, I'm not feeling very cheerful this year and I've been trying to think of ways to distract myself. So, I decided to put out this little nativity scene that my uncle made in woodshop in high school that my mom cherished to fill some of my time. And there they were in the back of the closet stacked neatly just so as mom did everything, caked with dust. Mom's cookie tins. And that's when it hit me. I'll bake.
Baking is my go to distraction. There is a recipe and steps to follow. It's structured and organized and the end result almost never disappoints. Every Christmas mom and dad would bake up a storm. They would get out these old cookies tins, line them with wax paper, and fill them to the brim with cookies, bars, and candies. And every Christmas Eve mom and dad would make hot chocolate in these travel cups, pile us kids in the car with blankets and drive around looking at the lights and handing out cookie tins to friends, family, and neighbors.
It's been really hard for me to let that go. As it should be. But at some point I know I need to move on from it and live a full life for myself. So, instead of letting the sadness get the better of me, I decided to honor my parents, and this year I am going to pick up the family Christmas tradition again. Starting today, for the next ten days, I am going to bake a different cookie, or candy, or goodie and blog about the recipe and memories attached to it.
And on Christmas Eve I will go around town and deliver them to unsuspecting people. The people who have made my life this year better than I could have ever hoped. Also, because having a project is making me feel giddy and antsy, if you request one, I might take it into consideration. I would post the first recipe I tried now but this is a long entry and it's getting late. Tomorrow when I wake, I'll put it up. It's killer. :)
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